


Condomplate

by dailyroutineat221B



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Sherlock goes to the store with John, tesco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2013-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-09 22:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/778573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dailyroutineat221B/pseuds/dailyroutineat221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you doing?” John hissed.</p><p>“Calling for help,” Sherlock said, looking around for the girl who came to help when the red button was pressed.</p><p>“Are you out of your mind?” John said quietly, trying to maintain a controlled tone.  They were already getting unwanted attention from some of the nearby customers.</p><p> “What? Why?” Sherlock asked.</p><p>“Someone will see our items and come to the wrong conclusion.”</p><p>“What conclusion, John?”</p><p>“Two blokes buying wine and condoms on a Saturday evening?  WHAT DO YOU THINK, GENIUS?” John almost yelled the last question.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Condomplate

“Do you want more wine?” John offered.

“Yes, please,” Sherlock answered promptly.

John picked up the glasses from the coffee table and refilled them. He handed one to Sherlock and sat down on the opposite armchair, his now full glass in hand.

“Thank you,.” Sherlock said quietly, staring at John.

“C’mon, ask,” John said with a wave of his hand, “You’ve been looking at me like that all afternoon.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sherlock said but his half smile contradicted him, “there is nothing I want to ask you.”

“Yes, there is,” John insisted.

“Ok. I may need your help with an experiment.”

“No, no and no. I am never going to help you again.”

“I have a huge amount of a new reagent I created but I can’t finish it,” Sherlock said, “unless I find some receptacle strong enough that is not made of iron, plastic, glass or metal,” he said with a giggle.

John was confused for a moment. He even considered that the wine was making Sherlock a little giggly.

“You know what would be perfect right now?” John changed the subject before Sherlock could attempt to convince him to help.

“A murder?” Sherlock suggested and John laughed.

“No. Cheese.”

“And we don’t have any,” Sherlock stated. John wasn’t exactly sure to which subject Sherlock was referring.

“Yes, because you wasted it all on that bloody experiment.”

“I didn’t waste it,” Sherlock retorted, “I used it for very important purposes.”

“Whatever,” John said as he stood abruptly, “I’m going to Tesco.”

“Wait, I’ll go with you,” Sherlock said as he stood as well.

“What? You’re going to the store with me?” John asked in disbelief.

“Problem?” Sherlock cocked an eyebrow.

“No at all. In fact, I’m thinking about buying another bottle of wine if it puts you in such a good mood.”

“Yes, we can do that,” Sherlock said neutrally.

It was John’s turn to cock an eyebrow at Sherlock. He had a feeling he was going to regret Sherlock’s accompanying him. They walked in silence all the way to Tesco.

“Here, take my card and go grab your things, then meet me at the cash register,” Sherlock said as they walked through the sliding doors of the market.

“Why?” John asked surprised, “Where are you going?”

“I have to get some things for myself,” Sherlock said, turning on his heel, leaving John at the entrance.

John thought about going after him or asking why he was being all mysterious, but since he knew he wasn’t going to get any answers, he headed to the dairy products aisle to grab what he wanted.

John picked cheese, some tea, and two more bottles of wine. He was heading to the cash register to meet Sherlock when he spotted a different kind of wine. He grabbed the bottle and tried to read the label, but it was in Italian and John couldn’t understand what it was saying. He held on to it anyway.

“Italian wine couldn’t be that bad, could it?” he murmured to himself and finally headed to the checkout.

Sherlock was already waiting for him in front of one of the machines. He sneaked a glance at Sherlock’s hands to see what he got and stopped abruptly in front of him.

“Condoms?” he asked, a little bit alarmed, “Is that what you have to buy?”

“Yes.”

“What for?” John felt dumb asking, but it was Sherlock who was buying condoms.

“Well, John, you must know what these are made for,” Sherlock teased, “At least I believe you are a careful man since you’re a doctor and –“

“I know what they are for,” John cut him off, “I want to know what you need them for.”

“These are made of rubber,” Sherlock said quietly.

“Oh,” John said as he scanned his items into the chip and pin machine, “Now you can finish your reagent, then?”

“Exactly,” Sherlock smirked as he handed the condom package to him. As soon as he tried to scan it, the machine said ‘ITEM NOT REGISTERED’

“Oh no. Bloody hell, no,.” John said looking at Sherlock.

Sherlock grabbed it from him and shoved it impatiently at the machine.

“C’mon!” Sherlock roared and smashed his hand on the red button of the machine.

“What are you doing?” John hissed.

“Calling for help,” Sherlock said, looking around for the girl who came to help when the red button was pressed.

“Are you out of your mind?” John said quietly, trying to maintain a controlled tone. They were already getting unwanted attention from some of the nearby customers.

“What? Why?” Sherlock asked.

“Someone will see our items and come to the wrong conclusion.”

“What conclusion, John?”

“Two blokes buying wine and condoms on a Saturday evening? WHAT DO YOU THINK, GENIUS?” John almost yelled the last question.

“I didn’t ask for all this wine,” Sherlock said, forcing a smile.

John was about to ask why he was smiling when he noticed the help girl standing slightly behind him and to his right out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh, well, hi,” John said self-consciously, unsure of how long she had been standing there.

“Good evening, did you need help with something?”

“Of course. Why else would we have pressed the red button?” Sherlock asked sharply.

“Be nice,” John murmured as he elbowed him.

“Ok, right….So, what can I do for you, sir?” the girl asked sweetly.

“Apparently your machine isn’t working properly,” Sherlock said and the girl furrowed her eyebrows. Sherlock read the gesture and explained, “It says my item isn’t registered in your system.”

“Let me see,” the girl said as she positioned herself between them and the machine, “Please, give me the item.”’

Sherlock grabbed the condom package from John’s hands and gave it to the girl. The girl gave him a strange look and then glanced at the rest of their shopping before she looked back at them with a naughty smile playing on her lips.

John blushed instantly. Sherlock just stood there, seemingly not caring at all. John turned slightly to his left, trying to somewhat hide from the girl. The movement put him closer to Sherlock. While the girl was pressing some buttons on the panel of the machine, John was playing with his shoes, completely absorbed by his embarrassment, until he accidentally kicked Sherlock. He lost his balance and ending up stepping on one of Sherlock’s feet.

“Ouch! John, be careful!” Sherlock said and lowered his eyes, looking at their feet, “You’re really big down there.”

The girl gave them a strange look, but neither of them saw it

“It could hurt if you use force,” Sherlock continued, adding it to his list about John, “But it could be helpful sometimes,” John could almost hear Sherlock’s mind running wild, cataloguing the kind of dangerous situations where a good strong kick could come in handy.

“It was really useful when I was in the army,” John said with a nod, “Opened several doors for me.”

The girl looked around with a scowl on her face and continued to type in the machine’s panel. All her attempts ended up failing and she turned to the two of them.

“Excuse me, sir,” she said, holding the package of condoms, “I am very sorry, but this item can’t be scanned.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Sherlock began and John widened his eyes at the sudden politeness of his friend, “Because I’m buying them, so you might want to fix your machine or register your products before you put them on display.”

The girl looked alarmed and stepped back a little. She looked around for someone to help her, but there were only an expanding queue of costumers behind them. John saw that she decided to act quickly before some of them started to complain.

“Sir, this one isn’t registered,” she tried to explain again, “But we have plenty of other kinds and brands in the same aisle where you found this one.”

“Thank you, he’s going to pick another one,” John said with a forced and embarrassed smile, trying to push Sherlock away from the girl.

“Shut up, John!” he said, disentangling himself from John’s grip and advancing in the girl’s direction, “I can’t get another one. I need this specific one or else I would have picked another, don’t you think?”

“Sherlock, we can pick another, don’t worry,” John said charmingly, trying to keep Sherlock from causing a scandal. John knew it was pointless, because everyone was already paying attention to them.

“I need this one, John. The others will not fit my purposes. I have a lot of load I want to put on this and this specific brand and type is the one that seems to meet my needs.”

People from the queue started whispering to each other and the girl looked horrified. John knew he was red-faced and was trying unsuccessfully to hide his embarrassment.

“Oh my God, Sherlock, shut up. What are you saying?” he hissed.

“The truth. I need those,” Sherlock said as he reached for the condom package in the girl’s hand, but she pulled away from him, “Give it to me.”

“Sir, I’ll have to check it,” she said brusquely to Sherlock. She turned to John and spoke in a more apologetic tone, “but I’m not sure it’s going be available.”

“Try,” Sherlock challenged.

John nodded to the girl, expecting her to leave the area to check the condoms. He thought he would have plenty time to convince Sherlock otherwise, but the girl reached for the microphone, testing it. He heard her voice echoing through the whole building:

“Operator Danielle,” she identified herself and continued, “Cash register number four, unregistered item.”

John held his breath the entire time she spoke, and he exhaled in relief when she stopped, hoping the manager would come to the front and help them before something even worse happened.

“Request received, Danielle, proceed,” the male voice sounded through the store’s speakers and John held his breath again.

“Please check if this item’s computed…” she began and John could feel his blood boiling in his ears. His brain almost shut down as she continued, “Durex PleasureMax Warming Condoms, Pack with 12 units, size XL.”

John was completely mortified. All the eyes in the store were on Sherlock and him. He felt the impulse to throw himself on the ground and never get up, but he fought it like he fought in the war. Sherlock stood proudly in place, like he had defeated the girl by making her do what he wanted.

“ITEM NOT AVAILABLE,” the male voice sounded through the store speakers again.

“Thank you,” The girl said into the microphone and turned her attention back to Sherlock, “I’m sorry, sir. If you would please choose another brand…”

Sherlock opened his mouth to interrupt the girl, but before things could get any worse, John stopped him.

“Ok. Thank you very much. I’m sorry for his rudeness.” John said to the girl, pulling at Sherlock’s arm. John dragged him in the direction of the exit, leaving their shopping behind, “We’re going to another store now, bye.”

Sherlock stopped abruptly before they reached the door and tried to go back. He looked at his audience of customers who were watching as John dragged him out.

“Oh, yes, thank you,” he said sarcastically to the girl and turned to John, “There isn’t another store near here,” he complained.

“Shut up,” John said under his breath and pulled on his arm again.

“Thank you! Because of you, I’ll have nowhere to put it tonight!” Sherlock fumed at the girl before exiting the store with John.

John didn’t stop pulling at him until they were a safe distance from the door.

“What the bloody hell was that all about?” John almost yelled at Sherlock.

“I needed those, John,” Sherlock whinged, “for my experiment.”

“You…just…you…” John was mad at Sherlock but he couldn’t bring himself to quarrel with him. He knew Sherlock probably didn’t even know what he had done, “You can’t say those things, Sherlock, it’s not appropriate. People assumed we’re having sex,” John explained, “Not good.”

Sherlock raised an eyebrow at him.

“Why? Just because I was buying condoms?” Sherlock asked in confusion.

“People already talk. I was buying wine and you appeared out of nowhere with a pack of condoms. Put your genius brain to work and put the pieces together.”

“Nothing…Too hard for me,” Sherlock said, fighting back a small smile.

“Oh, just shut up, please,” John said, horrified, “Let’s get back home before anyone else hears you.”

Sherlock scowled.

“Yes, and you better prepare yourself. I’ll need you to hold my pipe since it’s your fault I didn’t get any condoms to load my reagent in.”

John just glared at Sherlock before they started the walk back home. He could have sworn he saw the ghost of a smirk on Sherlock’s face out of the corner of his eye.

 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Liked this story? Try my other works:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/dailyroutineat221B/works
> 
> Thank you.


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